Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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