What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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