I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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