C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
