You were right. It hurts to walk today.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
