my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
