You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
