I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
