I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
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