I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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