oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
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