At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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