Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
