The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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