I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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