This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
