dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
