probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
