My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
