Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
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I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
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Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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