Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
