You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
