So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
