The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize