If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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