You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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