Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
