When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
