I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
