Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
