Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I want her autograph on my taint
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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