we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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