I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
