Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
