I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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