I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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