Me. At least after what I've been through.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
it's like iHOP with fire
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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