I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
