Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
