I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
