Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
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