peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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