my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
