btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
