Will you blow on my dice?
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
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Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
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Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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