Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
