Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
