My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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