I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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