We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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