'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
