Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
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The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
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Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
You left your phone here
Wait...
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