The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
