They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
