I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
