His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
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