You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
